Laws of Dysfunction
by American Soldier
Summary: During his summer trip, Xander runs into a few new friends.
1. Chapter 1

Laws of Dysfunction

Summary: during his summer road trip, Xander runs into a few new friends.

Disclaimer: Oh, mighty Corporate Gods and their servants, the Lawyers, I pray to thee to spare me your unwarranted vengeance as I knowingly and willfully utilize your oh-so-brilliant characters and other unmentioned features in this purely sentimental piece of literature and…oh, screw it, just don't sue my ass.

ŠŠŠ

"Come on, gimme my drink!"

"What's the holdup!?"

"Yo, move your ass!"

Xander sighed as he hastily put together every drink on the list, with more and more people piling in, expecting service in a timely manner. Apparently, none of these people realized that timely service was impossible in the face of thirty-seven pushy people. Oh, well, people were idiots anyway.

"Yo, what's the holdup, man," he turned around to see a spiky blonde-haired man, a little old than himself, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt standing before him, a somewhat irate look on his face.

"Look around you, man," Xander responded, "There's forty people wanting their drinks, and only two of us, it's gonna take a little while."

The man seemed to ponder that for a moment before nodding.

"Well, let's make it three, man," the man jumped the bar, heading over to Xander.

"What the Hell," Xander shouted.

"Oh, don't have a cow, bro," the man said, "I know how to tend a bar, just show me the list and lemme go at it."

"…Boss," Xander called his manager over, "Can we…please?"

Morty, the forty-year-old owner of the club, examined the man for a moment, before nodding and saying, "Fine, but if he steels anything, your ass is grass, kid."

"Thanks," Xander said dryly before handing over the list, "Have at it."

ŠŠŠ

"Damn, kid," Morty said as he sat down, "Twenty years, I've been working the bar, and I ain't ever seen a crowd like this."

"Eighteen years I've been living in a bar, and I've never seen anything like this," at Morty's odd look, Xander said, "Parents' were drunks."

"Oh," Morty nodded, taking it for what it was.

"Man," the other man sat down beside them, watching as the last stragglers walked out the door, "That was harder than any night at the Maison Derriere."

"You did pretty good tonight, kid," Morty remarked, "How'd you like a job?"

"Hell, sign me up," the man said, extending his hand, "Name's Bart, Bart Simpson."

"Xander Harris," Xander introduced himself, "How long've you been bartending?"

"I started up after high school," Bart said, "I was a piss-poor student, so, as Dad said, 'Boy, it's time you learn something worth while…go and get me a beer.'"

"Sounds like my dad," Xander said with a wry grin.

"Ah, Homer's a cool guy, just a bit of an ape," Bart laughed, "You know any good hotels around here, Xander?"

"No such thing as a good hotel this far outta Vegas," Morty remarked, going upstairs to get some sleep, "I'd let you stay here, but the only room available mine. Night, boys. Lock up when you're done."

"Oh, well," Bart said as he pocketed his tips, "Guess I'll sleep in my car tonight."

"Where're you parked," Xander asked, automatically worried about his new friend.

"Just outside," Bart said.

"Pull up beside my car, we'll keep each other company," Xander said, "Besides, you never know what could happen."

ŠŠŠ

Xander closed his eyes as he laid down in the back seat of his car, listening to the crickets chirp. He was quite tired after his day of bartending. After having received an education in that particular art since his earliest years, thanks to his parents, he had plied his trade in the Fabulous Ladies' Night Club to pay for his car, which had chosen that moment to combust into a thousand pieces.

One month and a new car later, he'd made his way outside of Vegas into a small territory, where he'd quickly found a bar to work at.

After a short conversation with Bart, he'd discovered that the 20-year-old Springfield native had done exactly the same as him. Shortly after graduating from Springfield High, Bart had gotten a job working a bar called Moe's, where his father was a regular patron. After a year of that, Bart had scraped together some money to buy a van and start traveling across the country, bringing along the clothes on his back, his drum set, and some 'Krusty the Klown' merchandise.

His sister had originally come with him, having needed a break from, as he claimed she put it, the 'mindless mediocrity that is the public school system.' After hitting Dallas, however, she had hooked up with a group of jazz musicians and began to tour around Texas.

The sound of feet hitting the gravel caught his attention, causing him to tense and reach down for his stake. A few seconds later, the sound of breaking glass reached his ears. He pushed open his door, quickly racing towards Bart's van, where he could clearly see two figures outside, struggling with Bart. He ran forward and tackled both of them down to the ground.

"Xander," Bart breathed out, "What-"

"Talk later, vampires, stake 'em!"

Xander rolled away as quickly as he could as the two vamps rose, both snarling at him.

"I'll get the hero," one of them said, coming at him.

Bart gulped and crawled into the back of his van, with the vamp right on his tail. Xander quickly came to his feet, his stake hefted up in defense, waiting for the vamp to make the first move. The vamp moved quickly, trying to slide past his defenses, but Xander dodged to the right and drove his stake home, quickly bringing an end to the fight.

He looked over to the van and saw that Bart was using his sticks to make a cross, keeping the vamp at bay. He moved quickly and opened the back of the van, letting Bart fall onto the ground. He attempted to stake the vamp, but only succeeded in giving it his arm as a chew toy. Bart scrambled up and pulled back as hard as he could, ripping the wounded arm away from the vamp's teeth, eliciting a fierce groan from Xander.

"You ok, man," Bart asked.

"Move," Xander shouted, moving to his right as quickly as possible as the vampire dived for both of them.

Bart used his sticks to keep it away from him while Xander just tried to keep himself alive behind him.

"We need a plan," Bart shouted.

"Your point," Xander said as he tried to dress the wound.

"WE NEED A PLAN," Bart responded, "ANY IDEAS?"

"…One," Xander remarked, "On three, we rush him."

"Oh, I like this plan," the vamp snarled.

"I DON'T," Bart shouted, "ANY OTHER IDEAS?"

"We die?"

"I definitely like that plan," the vamp said, grinning widely.

"AY, CARAMBA," Bart shouted.

"You just aren't getting this, are you," Xander said, "On three, we rush him!!"

"…Fine," Bart said.

"This is gonna be fun," the vamp said.

"I'm gonna kick your ass if you get us killed," Bart said.

"Shut up," Xander responded, placing his hand near Bart's shoulder, "Alright, one…two…THREE!!"

As Bart ran forward, Xander grabbed his collar and dragged him down to the ground, firing his Colt at the vamp as he did so, landing a shot in its neck.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT," Bart demanded.

"Me shooting a vampire without accidentally shooting you," Xander responded, calmly walking forward and staking the vampire as it writhed on the ground.

"…I've known you a total of six hours, and already, I hate you," Bart said, coming to his feet.

"That's a record," Xander said, "Most people hate me by the first."

He grasped his arm carefully as he walked back to his car, with Bart hot on his heels.

"So, that was a vampire," Bart asked.

"Yeah," Xander said, "You don't seem too shocked about this. What gives?"

"My father polluted our entire town with a silo filled with pig crap, my mom campaigned to cancel a children's television show, my little sister has an IQ of two hundred, and my littler sister has an IQ of 215 and sharpshooter accuracy," Bart said in one breath, "Trust me…I've seen weirder."

"…Throw in a stuffy Englishmen and you've got my family," Xander said with a grin.


	2. Chapter 2

Laws of Dysfunction

Summary: during his summer road trip, Xander runs into a few new friends.

Disclaimer: Oh, mighty Corporate Gods and their servants, the Lawyers, I pray to thee to spare me your unwarranted vengeance as I knowingly and willfully utilize your oh-so-brilliant characters and other unmentioned features in this purely sentimental piece of literature and…oh, screw it, just don't sue my ass.

ŠŠŠ

Four Months Later…

"Rise and shine, X-Man!"

This greeting was followed by the sound of a shoe hitting his door. Xander groaned out as the effects of his hangover quickly took hold.

"Damn it, Bart, you've gotta quit waking me up before one," Xander shouted.

"Newsflash, dude," Bart opened the car door, causing Xander to spill out onto the pavement in a drunken heap, "It is one!"

"Ok, ok, I'm up, I'm up," Xander said, using the car to pull himself up, before blinking as he examined his surroundings.

"Ok, how did we wind up on a roof," Xander asked.

His vehicle had, apparently, jumped up from the Las Vegas street and landed on top of the cruddy hotel, where he and Bart had spent the majority of last night partying in.

"There is an answer to that question," Bart said, smiling evilly, "But, I doubt you'd want to hear it."

"…Why," Xander asked, wary but still wanting to know.

Bart said nothing, only pointed towards the car. Xander turned around and looked inside, then involuntarily looked away.

"…Why're there two guys in my car…naked?"

Bart was laughing his ass off as he asked that question, holding onto his side to keep himself steady.

"You should…you should see your face, man," Bart said, struggling to breathe, "But, don't worry…I dragged you outta the hotel room and tossed you in there before you woke up!"

"…I'm gonna kick your ass," Xander said, running at Bart, which lead to a chase through the hotel.

ŠŠŠ

"Ok, and we are down to…seven dollars," Bart said, angrily tossing the box that had once held their food money away.

"You had to gamble, I told you not to gamble," Xander remarked, taking a sip of water from his bottle.

"At least I didn't get us lost in Death Valley," Bart retorted, trying to figure out a way to get money.

"I didn't, you wrecked your van trying to kill that demon," Xander said.

Bart sighed, but said nothing as Xander was right. The two had quickly become best friends after their first encounter with a vampire, or Bart's first encounter with a vampire, he should say. After a month and a half in the bar, the two had saved up enough money to pay for a few nights in the MGM…instead of which, after arriving in Vegas, they'd both blown it on the slots machines and poker. It wasn't that they sucked, far from it, it was more that they got drunk. Xander had, initially, been wary of drinking, but Bart had coaxed him into having a few, which led to a few more, etc.

After that night, the two had been working on getting back on their feet financially. Unfortunately, the two usually ruined any positive influx of cash through partying. The two had begun to hunt vampires as well, mostly for cash, as the average vampire had around two to six hundred dollars on them. The problem was that it was difficult to knock a vampire down without dusting it, which would dust the money. Aside from that, they were trying to get jobs as musicians (Xander could play the guitar pretty well), which was not working out that well.

"Alright, there's an ad wanting a band for a high school dance," Bart said, reading from the paper, "Or a DJ…you know how to be a DJ?"

"Sure…I mean, how hard could it be?"

ŠŠŠ

"We want our deposit back," Xander moaned, "Have crueler words ever been uttered?"

"How hard could it be," Bart snarked as he followed Xander, "I thought you knew what you were doing!"

"When do I ever know what I'm doing," Xander replied.

"…Ok," Bart said, "C'mon, maybe we can hit up a nest and get some cash."

ŠŠŠ

"Alright, we got two thousand dollars," Xander said, smiling as he and Bart enjoyed breakfast, "You and I have got a possible gig next week, we just have to drag up a singer."

"Well, we can sing," Bart and Xander stared at each other for a moment, before saying, "Where're we going to get a singer?"

"No idea," Xander said, chewing his bacon as he stared out the window, watching the people go by.

"We put out a classified ad, we'll get more wannabes than _American Idol_," Bart said, scratching his head, "What about the karaoke bars? Some of those girls sing pretty good."

"None of them can sing well, you were drunk," Xander remarked, "I dunno, man. We'd have to do so much interviewing, and we don't know any songs."

"Yeah, we do," Bart said, "We know a ton of _Guns N' Roses_, some _Eagles_,_AC/DC, Metallica_, Hell, we even known some _Deep Purple_."

"Well, none of that matters if we don't have a singer," Xander remarked.

"…This sucks," Bart said, "We finally get some money, and we can't get more because neither of us can sing real well!"

"Well, there's also the fact that the only original song we know is _Do the Bartman_," Xander said, "Honestly, _You're Bad like Michael Jackson_?"

"He was cool back then," Bart retorted, "And, just you wait, one day that'll hit number one on the charts!"

"Yeah, in England if it were 1991," Xander replied.

"Man, if only Lease was here," Bart said, "She won a singing contest in Springfield."

"Yeah, well-" Xander stopped, staring out the window for a moment before leaping up and running for the door.

"What the Hell," Bart shouted, running after him.

He turned down the street to follow Xander, who was running faster than he'd ever seen him run. For about two or three blocks, Xander ran, till he finally slowed down and came to a stop.

"Man," Bart panted, leaning down to catch his breath, "What-"

Xander turned around, grabbing Bart up in a fireman's carry as he ran back down the street.

"The Hell," Bart shouted, "Put me down!"

And he did, as soon as they were back at the diner.

"What the Hell is going on," Bart demanded.

"Look, you know about my past in Sunnydale," Xander started, "Do you remember that girl I told you about, the one that snapped and tried to kill everyone?"

"Faith," Bart remembered, "What about her?"

"I just saw her on a Greyhound."


	3. Chapter 3

Laws of Dysfunction

Summary: during his summer road trip, Xander runs into a few new friends.

Disclaimer: Oh, mighty Corporate Gods and their servants, the Lawyers, I pray to thee to spare me your unwarranted vengeance as I knowingly and willfully utilize your oh-so-brilliant characters and other unmentioned features in this purely sentimental piece of literature and…oh, screw it, just don't sue my ass.

ŠŠŠ

"So, she's a super-human ticking time bomb," Bart said, "I like her already. But, don't we need help?"

"No," Xander said, "Anyone back home will just want her to be punished, and she needs something else…she needs help."

"And, you expect to be the one to give it," Bart replied, "Dude, you don't even know what state of mind she's in."

"I have to try, man," Xander said, climbing out of the van and walking towards the bus station.

"Ay, Caramba," Bart slapped his head, "This guy's gonna get me killed."

Xander sat down at the bus stop, hoping that he hadn't missed her, and waited. He knew it wasn't the smartest thing on earth to wait for a possibly psychotic Slayer, but he had to do something. He couldn't go to Buffy, and the only other person he knew that could help was off in LA, doing God knows what. He just hoped that she was in a good, or at the very least, introspective mood.

"So, do you love her," he looked up as Bart sat down beside him, a smile on his face.

"Nah," Xander said, "I just wanna help her."

"But, she's your first," Bart said, "She's gotta mean something…right?"

"Oh, yeah, she means something," Xander said, "She's me, in a lot of ways."

"…Explain," Bart asked.

"She had a crappy family, lived in crappy digs, and accidentally killed a man and killed another man on purpose," Xander said, "The reality of it is that she fell off the deep end, and she was heading that way long before I ever met her. Posttraumatic stress just guaranteed her falling, and led to her to go to the Mayor."

"So, she's not responsible," Bart asked, trying to get the gist of it.

"Oh, she's responsible," Xander said, "But, there are reasons. She suffered through a lot, and we let her down. Even if the others aren't willing to admit they screwed up, I am."

"So, there's responsibility to go around," Bart said, "I guess that's good to know."

"I just really wanna help her, man," Xander turned to his best friend, an oddly serious look on his face, "If you don't wanna be here, man, you don't hafta be…I'll understand, believe me."

"Oh, trust me, X-man, I don't wanna be anywhere near here at the moment," Bart said, grasping his shoulder, "But, we're friends, man. We stick together, we take the bumps, and we face down psychotic superhumanly-enhanced chicks together, no matter how many bones get broken."

"…Oddly enough, that makes me feel better," Xander said with a grin, "Thanks, man, I appreciate it."

"So do I," the two stiffened instantly as they heard the smoky voice above them, then slowly turned upward, "God, X, I always thought you were in the closet."

Xander and Bart jumped up, facing Faith as they did so. She was dressed in a dirty pair of jeans and a plaid shirt, with a bag on her side. She was smiling an odd smile, one that contained humor, but, also had the look of a predator stalking its prey.

"Faith," Xander greeted her, "You look…of the good."

"Right back atcha, X," Faith said, looking him up and down, "Dear God, when're you gonna get rid of those Hawaiian shirts," she then looked over to Bart, "And where on earth did you find another queen who dresses in the same nauseating things?"

"HEY," both Xander and Bart argued.

"We are not queens," Xander said, "Manliness is tantamount, here!"

"And, Hawaiian shirts never go outta style," Bart picked up, "EVER!"

"Chill, I'm just ribbin' ya," Faith said, still smiling, "Good God, boytoy, if I'd known you were that easy to mess with, I-"

"Woulda still tried to choke me to death," Xander interrupted her, a glare on his face.

For the first time since he'd met her, Faith looked nervous and unsure of herself.

"…Yeah," Faith started, "Look, I heard what you said and…look, a lot's happened to me in the past few months…I just want you to know…I saw you on that bus, and…it means a lot to me that you were willing to come down here to talk to me…especially without calling B, ya know?"

"Yeah, I know," Xander said, grimly, "I was always against her killing you, Faith…I'm just grateful she's nowhere near as good as she thinks she is."

"Same here, X," Faith said, a morose look on her face, "Same here."

"Ok, I dunno a lot about this, but," Bart interrupted, "I do know that bus rides tend to make you hungry…why don't we buy you a bite to eat?"

"Nah, I'm good," Faith started, but was rudely interrupted as her own stomach betrayed her with a growl, "…On second thought, I could use some food."

ŠŠŠ

"So, Angel's got me cooped up for a week in this hotel of his," Faith said, eating her omelet as she did so, "And, him and me are going at it pretty rough, ya know?"

"By going at it," Xander said, putting down his coffee, "You do mean you're beating the crap outta each other, right?"

"No, I banged his brains out and brought out Angelus," Faith said with a scowl, "Jeez, X, do I look like an anorexic blonde?"

"Sorry, had to ask," Xander said, "Continue."

"Wait, if you bang this Angel guy, he becomes Angelus," Bart interrupted.

"Yeah," Faith said, "Or, at least if he's done well enough."

"OK," Xander said, "Enough with the Angel sex talk, for God's sake, I need to gouge out my eyes!"

"Sorry," Bart mumbled, "I'm still new to this, you know."

"Anyway, we're fighting and he's trying to get to me," Faith to another bite of her eggs, "And, he makes me admit that the only reason I came to LA was to fight him and lose."

"You wanted to die," Xander asked, "Faith…"

"Don't worry, X," Faith said, "I know…anyway, just as he's getting through to me, guess who shows up?"

"Buffy," Xander said with a sigh, "Bet she was probably all high and mighty, acting like Angel'd betrayed her or something."

"It's like you were there," Faith said with a smile, "But, she showed up just as a Council wet works team showed up."

"And, you two kicked their asses," Bart asked, chewing his bacon.

"Exactly," Faith said, "After we got them to back off, B was still on her revenge kick, so I decided that the best thing to do was fake being arrested. I turned myself in and escaped after she walked away."

"Question," Bart picked up, "If you're seeking redemption, why didn't you really turn yourself in?"

"She doesn't need to be in prison," Xander said, "She needs to be helping people."

"Exactly," Faith said, "There's not a day that goes by when I don't think of Finch, or that professor, but…I can't let innocent people down. I need to be out there, fighting the good fight."

"What we need is a singer," Bart sighed, leaning back in his seat.

"C'mon, Bart, show some compassion," Xander said.

"Well, it's hard when I have to worry about where our next paycheck's coming from," Bart said.

"You need a singer," Faith asked, "Why?"

"We're performing next week, but the guy wants a singer for his club," Xander said.

"Well, I can sing," Faith said.

Bart and Xander stared at her for a moment, then turned to each other.

"She can sing," Xander said.

"She's hot," Bart agreed.

"Wonder if she can play the bass," Xander inquired.

"Yes, she can," Faith said, a small smile on her face, "And she'd appreciate it if the two idiots wouldn't talk about her like she's not here."

"…She's mouthy, ain't she," Bart asked.

"You've no idea," Xander replied.


	4. Chapter 4

Laws of Dysfunction

Summary: during his summer road trip, Xander runs into a few new friends.

Disclaimer: Oh, mighty Corporate Gods and their servants, the Lawyers, I pray to thee to spare me your unwarranted vengeance as I knowingly and willfully utilize your oh-so-brilliant characters and other unmentioned features in this purely sentimental piece of literature and…oh, screw it, just don't sue my ass.

ŠŠŠ

2 Months Later…

"Now, that was a good show," Xander said as he and Bart put all their equipment away.

"You know, this stuff is really heavy," Bart said, "If only there were someone we know who could help, possibly someone with inhuman strength!"

"Hey, if it weren't for me, you two would still be living out the back of your van," Faith said, leaning against the wall with a smirk on her face.

"We're still living out the back of our van," Xander reminded her.

"True," Faith replied, "But, now, you're living out the back of your van with _me_."

Bart and Xander stopped for a moment.

"Point," Bart said.

"Hurry up, we still gotta go hunting before dawn," Faith said, climbing into the front as she did so.

Shortly after hooking up with them, Faith had become the singer for their heretofore-unnamed band. Her voice was husky and smooth, not unlike Janis Joplin's, but Faith preferred to sing from bands like _Guns 'N Roses_ and _AC/DC_, which happened to be the majority of the songs the three of them knew. Xander played the lead guitar, routinely getting praise for his developing skill. Bart was their drummer, and he was very good. Together, they provided great sound for _Club Natalia_, a small brick building on the bad side of Vegas.

"Hey, Faith, can I talk to you for a second," Xander called as he and Bart closed up the van.

"Sure, X," Faith walked over to the back while Bart went to the front to start up the van, "What's up?"

"Listen, um," Xander seemed uncomfortable as he started, "I've been thinking about going back to Sunnydale."

Faith tensed up immediately upon hearing that. Over the past few months, Xander and Faith had become better friends than either had thought possible. He had been considering making a return visit for a while, but he knew that it would be best if he asked talked to her about it beforehand.

"…You planning on settling down," Faith asked.

"No, no," he affirmed her quickly, "I just wanna visit the gang, check and see how they're doing."

"Couldn't you just give them a phone call," Faith asked, growing more upset.

"Faith, calm down," Xander said, taking her hand, "I'm not going to leave you."

"Yes, you will," Faith said, starting to tear up, "You'll leave and never come back, just like everyone else."

"No, never," Xander said, forcing her to look at him, "Faith…trust me. I won't take off like your father, I won't abandon you like your mother, and I swear to you, I will do everything in my power to come back to you."

Faith stared at him for a moment, searching him for any hint of a lie. Apparently, she found what she wanted to find, as she leaned into him, sobbing quietly into his shirt. He hesitated for a moment, before he wrapped his arms around her. She was too emotional to notice just how stiff he was.

ŠŠŠ

"She alright," Bart asked as he drove along.

"She's asleep," Xander said, leaning back in his seat.

"You talked to her about heading back," it wasn't a question.

"Yeah," Xander replied, "She didn't take it well."

"You're her rock, man," Bart said, with an odd note in his voice.

"…You sound jealous," Xander said.

"What, no way, dude," Bart denied.

"I'm gonna borrow your catchphrase for a moment here," Xander said before slapping the back of his head, "Ay, Caramba, dumbass! You like her, and you know it."

"…So what if I do," Bart said, "She's in love with you."

Xander really didn't know what to say to that. He knew that she cared about him, and he her, but…he knew he didn't love her. He didn't know if Faith loved him, at least as more than a friend.

"…Maybe," Xander decided to go for full honesty, "But, I don't."

"What," Bart demanded, "How could you not? She's smart, sexy, a badass; what more do you want?"

"I want to get to know her as a friend," Xander said, "And, yeah, she's hot, but…I dunno, man."

"That's a helluva reason," Bart said sarcastically, "Seriously, man, what's stopping you?"

"…You know the last time I directly saw her," he started, "Was when I came to her hotel room to try and talk to her…she threw me on the bed and tried to choke me to death. After that, I avoided her like the plague before she turned on us. Do you remember one time when we first found her that I hugged her, just one?"

Bart thought for a few moments, before shaking his head in the negative.

"And I never once let her hug me, not till recently," Xander said, "Every time she wraps her arms around me, I…I remember her over me, her hands wrapped around my neck, squeezing the life out of me. Is that good enough reason?"

Bart said nothing as he brought the van to a stop outside the graveyard.

"We're here," Xander said, climbing out, "Wake her up, will you?"

Bart nodded wordlessly as Xander went to the back to pull out the weapons, unbuckling himself and crawling into the back. He approached the sleeping Faith tentatively, shaking her lightly as he reached her.

"Huh," Faith said sleepily.

"We're here," Bart said, eyeing her carefully, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah," Faith said, staring up at him, "What's wrong?"

"…Nothing," Bart said after a moment, "Nothing at all."


End file.
